On Mothers Ancient Recipe
The poem Mothers Ancient Recipe (found here), is intended to provoke. Maybe it’s something that has you nodding “yes!” in agreement or alternatively irritates the crap out of you.
Either way, the poem is asking you to feel something and take notice. The invitation it offers is to agree or disagree, partly or wholly:
- Is this close to your point of view?
- Can you hold onto your immediate reaction or must you recoil from it?
- Can you take permission to really examine what you hear, see and read?
- Is the voice in your head you, me (@ManMind Poet) or someone else?
The Expectations of Others
The fundamental question of what a man is supposed to be depends on where you’re from. It also faces demands for changes over time – at least in theory.
Strangely for instance, the answer given 70 years ago (Second World War) seems not that different to the one given now – despite the increasingly negative commentary about men from an increasing number of places (a wholly different subject entirely btw). But, who is to say what the right recipe should be and where does this stuff come from?
Clearly tradition plays a part as do social norms and ideals. We have more access to an increasing number of ideas, opinions and facts, all available at a pace and quantity that shows no sign of reducing. Grabbing hold of what is right ain’t so straight forward anymore – which makes life harder to navigate.
How much do we ignore? What is the plain truth and who are we as a consequence?
All of this may lead to the inevitable idea that some kind of reset might be needed on the grounds of personal health, if not in a wider society. At ManMind, though, the focus is on the individual. What ever your recipe is, it belongs to you and no one else.
Origins
The central idea is this.
We’re set up with and receive our first version of our Mothers Ancient Recipe from our parents. Pretty obvious you might say, and you’d be right.
The mechanism is that for infant boys, the originator of what is expected of us as men is Mother – hence Mothers Ancient Recipe. Our main role model is Father, intitially.
You were given a recipe unique to your family and situated in a wider social context. This blueprint is modified over time, although not that quickly as it turns out.
From your perspective, an Ancient Recipe is handed down from generation to generation, say from Great Grandmother to Grand Father and then added to by an outsider (i.e. your Grand Mother) when they got married.
Next it’s handed down to your Father when he was born, updated again by another outsider (your Mother) before being handed down to you as their son.
This “frisbee-ing” of the recipe from sex to sex happens roughly once every 25 years (a standard definition of a generation) and modified depending on individual experiences of either being a man (Grand Father or Father) or experiencing men (Grand Mother, Mother) – good, bad or ugly.
It’s why the answer to the “big question” may not be that different from 70 years ago in some respects (three generations or so). Traditions hang around.
What Happens Next to our Recipe?
Now we have two other observations to talk about.
Firstly, we were unable to do anything other than accept what we’re given and the training that went with it – the demonstration and practice. It was all out of our control which has consequences and is a fundamental part of who we are.
Secondly, the handing-down process allows us to look backwards and forwards and ask additional questions. What kind of grandson and son am I? What kind of husband and father will I be? What kind of friend, citizen or workmate can I be?
As we grow up and move into social circles outside of the home (playgroups, school, sports teams, work etc) we are exposed to others outside of the family unit who also begin to influence the development of this “blueprint” (friends, teachers, other parents etc).
In general terms, this can go one of two ways:
- in a nurturing, positive way or
- toward a narrow and potentially limiting outcome.
To take the second outcome as an example, being exposed to the ideologies and prejudices in other people will always take place. If a young man lacks strong roles models to counter harmful ideas, then it’s easy to see how self-limiting or destructive messages get embedded. As life unfolds, Mothers Ancient Recipe can either serve-up something wholesome and delicious or something much less palatable.
The Experience of Psychological Pain
So here’s the rub.
What happens when my version of Mothers Ancient Recipe does not match the realities of my life? What do I do with the negative feedback the world is giving me? Do I cling on regardless? What happens if my pride holds me to beliefs instilled in me as a young boy at the cost to myself and those around me?
We begin to see why many us can live with a felt-sense of agitation, confusion or pain held at bay deep inside. Taking a look at Mothers Ancient Recipe is a useful place to start – if only to clarify certain things about yourself.
The opportunity is to find a way to an updated recipe and challenge ourselves to be certain of its new contents. To find out what is most meaningful to us, right here, right now and live our lives accordingly.
